Modern Day Hipsters are no Beatniks

           I would like explain my complete and utter disdain for "hipsters". The term is a complete misnomer for this rag-tag group of indie, counter-culture, progressive douches who deem themselves cool (now they say "deck" because the term "cool" has become too mainstream). These non-conformists, who ironically happen to all dress in similar fashion, can be spotted in any urban environment, wearing skinny jeans, horn rimmed glasses, riding a ten speed road bike, listening to a band you've probably never heard of (because if you have it wouldn't be "deck") while displaying additional "vintage" clothing recently bought at American Apparel or Urban Outfitters. Apparently their goal is to look like they spent $7 on their outfit at Goodwill when in reality they shelled out $217 at some corporate store. The men and women of this subculture group tend to have the same unkempt, asymmetric hair styles. While the men usually don some form of ironic mustache to accent their already halfwitted attire, the women who can't grow mustaches usually just grow hair in other places, like their arm pits. And if they aren't drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbion out of the can, they haven't fully conformed to hipsterdom quite yet.  Oh, and they're all professional "photographers".

             

(Pictured: Conformity)

          This effortless cool bohemian look these "forward thinkers" is anything but effortless. I'm guessing it takes the guys 20 minutes to fit into women's jeans. And I intentionally place the phrase "forward thinkers" in quotation marks to make a point: forward thinking doesn't come from the past. An entire generation actually did spawn a counter-culture, anti-materialistic literary movement with Jack Kerouac as it's personification. The real difference between the Beat Generation and these adulterated clones called "hipsters" is that the Beats actually produced something to define their generation. The words of Kerouac, Ginsberg, Burroughs and Cassady created windows into the minds of these bohemian hedonists that exemplified their era. The Beats had principles and they stuck by them. Oh, and some of them actually were professional photographers, like Robert Frank.

      

(Pictured: What "cool" actually looks like)

          Hipsters on the other hand, are the definition of ironic. Anti-materialistic group of trust-fund babies who shop at corporate clothing stores? Non-conformists who all look the same? Not understanding and misusing the term irony? Their entire existence is one big oxymoron. I'm not saying I agree with every viewpoint of the Beat generation, but I do have to respect their beatific integrity. I cannot say the same about hipsters.

          Side Note: A very hipster thing to do is to put in ear gauges or ear tunnels. The purpose, or rather the effect, is that the ear lobe is stretched to fit larger and larger gauges or tunnels. And no, these hipsters were not "forward thinking" when they decided to adopt this form of body modification. Body modification, such a lip plating, has been around as far back as 8700 BC and is still practiced by a few indigenous tribes in Africa. Anyway, my personal opinion is that modern day adaptation of this practice by apathetic and short-sighted hipsters is exceptionally moronic and will inevitably lead to only one thing: regret. I have a plan set forth that will make one unlucky hipster rue the day he decided to get ear tunnels. To do this, the hipster must have tunnels, Like this guy pictured above ^

1st: Obtain a high-security padlock, preferably one that cannot be cut with conventional tools.

2nd: Find an unsuspecting hipster with ear tunnels.

3rd: Lock the high-security padlock to the hipster's ear via the ear tunnel.

4th: Run away laughing hysterically.

5th: Go make yourself a Beer Float (previous post) in celebration of your courageous feat.

  

     

- LazyTheKid